The Pillow Fort

[aholland]

Wow. Hugs all the people. So sorry everything has been so ugh for all of you.

Well, before I share my own woes, I just want to say how much coming here to the Sphinxes has cheered me in the middle of some rather ugh things. You all are mys sunshine sometimes.

So, As some may know in Nov last year I learned I was like 6 weeks pregnant. I got all excited and told my family and a few others and was getting all happy and even had a potential due date of June 22. Then in December we learned there was no heart beat and then we had a miscarriage. In January we learned that my thyroid might have had a hand in it (As this is the third miscarriage). Spent over $400 on getting my throat ultrasound to find that there are 3 rather tiny minuscule spots to watch. Find out from my mother that my Biological grandma had thyroid cancer. So we need to keep an eye on it. I have diabetes so have to get that in check and I am doing great there. My A1C is better then it has been in years. But since January I have gained 67lbs. I am 367lbs. And I have no idea what to do or why. As I eat way less then I used to. So we are seeing the Endocrine Doc this month. Having another Ultrasound on throat. And dealing with all of this is a stress and has me moody as I am worried. Add to it that my daughter's mother just learned that they have 2 months to move. So kid is here more then usual. And going through a lying phase.

So mother's day this year was bittersweet and slightly emotional. And now June has arrived. And while most of June should be awesome. I mean my anniversary, my mom's bday, my daughter's bday, my bday.... It should have had one more bday that will come and go and I know I might cry.

So I want to thank you all for the awesome place to come in and find some fun. For a place to take my mind off of things for a little while and have a moment to laugh. As All the RP, and silliness and epicness has helped me escape even if only for a little while.

[Sweetintoxikation]

*hugs for everyone in this thread*

For all of you going through the worst the universe has to offer, I love you and I hope it settles down and turns sweet for you all. I won't address everything as I am stopping in several days late and I don't want to drag up things when you've had the chance to get it off your chests. <3 But I am so sorry for you all and I only hope things get better from here on out.

I will, however, specifically hug you Pooka and you Aholland. Pooka because I recently went through something very similar with my maternal grandmother. Her sudden passing and the emotions that jumbled up with that event. I empathize and understand how you're feeling right now and you are NOT a horrible person for feeling the way you do. He was/is/has been a horrible person and in reality, doesn't deserve to hear from you because it would bring up things for you without him ever really getting the point behind it. I say this as it's the only reason I never brought up my emotions and feelings to my maternal grandmother; and what I thought about and dealt with in her passing.

To Aholland. I am so so so sorry for the loss you suffered late last year. A miscarriage is a loss in any terms and I am just sorry you've had three. I will keep my fingers crossed that your medical troubles come out clean and that they find a good healthy way to help you lose that weight again. As well as a great way to manage your thyroid and just MAYBE a near future blessing will come along too. Those are all my hopes for you. <3 *huge hugs*

----------------

As for me. Uhm. Where do I start? I think only a few of you know this about me but I am Poly-Cystic (PCOS). Unfortunately, the type I have is made worse by the fact that I have no actual.. reproductive cycle. Pooka and a few others knew when I was going through the fertility treatments about five years ago? What we were able to afford did not result in a pregnancy but it did result in a TON of ups and downs and dashed hopes. I say this only because I have to talk about it from time to time just to keep from sobbing about it. I still break down at the oddest times and its most often when I find out a family member of mine or a close friend is pregnant. (usually for the 2+ time). It's not that I'm not excited and happy for anyone of my family or friends who are so lucky, just that bittersweet sadness that it's not meant for me. I hold out hope that Paul's company will be sold SOON (like in the next two years) and that gives us the one last chance to try a hail mary pass with IVF. But unless and until I'm at a point where I just accept I will never be a mother to anyone human. (I have my furbabies.. it's not the same but it's all I have) I don't mean to bring you all down. I just know what it's like for anyone in our community or our extended family (as that is what you all are to me) that struggles with these issues. And to anyone who is/has/plans on having children I wish you all the very best of luck and ease in your journey. I wish for you all that you will have healthy little ones and be happy and healthy yourselves. I really do. <3 <3

As I mentioned before I recently had my maternal grandmother die, suddenly but not so suddenly. It wasn't so much a shock that she was finally passed that hit me. It was more going through the service and trying to be strong for my mother. It affected me so much more than I thought it would; I even cried. Something I thought would be impossible for me there. But seeing my mother so hurt by the loss of her own mother is really what did me in. For all her faults she did give the world my mother and I owe her that at least. It's all I owe her, but it's something? I'm not really torn up over it either, just another thing I've been dealing with.

I guess the real thing is I don't tell many people but I've been going through spiraling bouts of depression. I'm not medicated and I doubt I'm bad enough off that a doctor would want me to have a medication. But it's made things really difficult for me. I won't go through my laundry list of things but if I disappear for times it's because I am struggling. I know Mr. Pooka and Pooka reached out to me last Summer just as Heb was ending when I started a new spiral and I can't express enough how much their messages to mattered. But it did. I would say because of that anyone from our Sphinx family who feels they're spiraling, let us know? We love you and we want to be here for you. Even if we're struggling ourselves. I know that I appreciate each and every one of you and well.. I'm going to stop now. I'm getting weird and long winded. <3

Basically I love ya all and I'm here if you need me! <3 And thank you Mooph for this thread <3

[aholland]

Sends Toxi loads of hugs. We loves you too.

And i know for hubby and I we may look into adoption in the future. I myself was adopted so I want to do that if I can. So I tell myself that when I feel super down over things.

But, all the hugs and loves and things. To everyone.

[Cameron]

*hugs all around*
I've been popping in here occasionally. I've never been good with words specifically related to showing comfort. It's my biggest downfall, I believe. I'm definitely a listener, but that doesn't translate well through the forums, now does it?

I don't have any personal struggles to share at this moment. Doesn't mean I don't have any. More so none that are troubling me to the extent of the ones shared here that I am needing the weight of to be lifted. I've been there though. Between a bout of homelessness, being "abandoned" by blood-family, other financial troubles etc. It's so comforting to me that this is present and available for future struggles when it is needed. Like Toxi alluded to above there's a sense of family in this community and I just want everyone to know that communities do assist in the healing process. I'm a firm believer that we are present in this existence to make connections, whether its seeking or giving, even minor and superficial healing can be sparked by brief connections.

[Phoenix Stardancer]

I know my one complaint for today is minor, but I wanted to cry and panic. I went digging through the bag i keep paints in for my miniatures and suddenly poked something that gave. I looked and found a very very rotted tomato and when I dumped the bag outside (not risking a nasty clean-up inside). I found about 20-30 dollars worth of paint covered in mold. I wanted to cry as I have no way to replace then at right now and some were limited paints I can't buy at all.

I did get lucky and Sang came up with a way to wash the bottles as I had no way to transfer the paints at all.

[Sweetintoxikation]

I understand the impulse to feel that way Phoenix. I'm glad that in the end you found a solution that wasn't monetarily stressful. Well.. as stressful. <3

[Sweetintoxikation]

So I do have something that is stressing me out. And it's honestly a VERY stupid thing. At least in the long run. So cookies to anyone who bares with me and reads this at all.

Before my husband and I went on our first REAL vacation in 2 years, like the DAY I was flying out, our dog came up with some serious symptoms. She had several (in the span of ten-fifteen minutes) accidents in the house and all were urine and bright red with blood. So much so that I was starting to panic. I called our vet to try to get her in for a visit (my mom was dog-sitting so was going to take her in) but they couldn't get her in until the following Monday. We were leaving on a Thursday. Though the techs advised me to have my mom call in first thing the next morning to try and get the few appointments they set aside daily for those random issues. My mom would eventually get it and she was seen by the vet.

Here is where it gets bad. My first concern was blood in urine and frequent peeing. My mom and I assumed it would be UTI or bladder related. And I was worried about leaving but I had to. My mom would text me the next day and tell me the vet didn't find anything even after keeping my dog for several hours. (She'd apparently pee'd in the exam room just before the vet came in. And while still bloody this meant no urine for testing.) They did an ultrasound right away and x-ray nothing. Did a culture and sent my mom home with antibiotics for my dog and said they'd call back in two days with culture results. Nothing comes from the culture. Nothing is seen in the sample they took directly from her bladder. (Though I was told it was dark murky brown and almost like coffee grounds). But we skip the week. My dog gets her meds on time and seems to be completely normal with my mom. Things go back to normal, no more frequent peeing and no more signs of things. PHEW.. things are good. Right? Right?

No.

Day I'm flying BACK home my mom texts me to say she's seen more bright blood in the urine and while Beau isn't acting up she's worried. The meds had been finished and we had an appt the next day with the vet for a recheck ect. I'm thinking, "What the heck?! If the meds made it better why is it back? What is wrong with my baby?!" Go to the vet and he's got NOTHING. Tells me everything he told my mom originally and tells me we have to have a specialist ultrasound doctor do the test. I'm thinking, "Crap.. but anything to figure out why my dog is having this issue." But that means waiting ANOTHER near week to get the appointment since she only comes in once a week for three hours. q.q

Being me, I requested more medicine for my dog hoping that even if the tests showed nothing that that would 'help' and wait to get my appointment call. Get it and it was set for today. They even MADE ME 'dope up' my dog because she was being too much of a 'handful' during test attempts. This is new for her. She's a handful. She's a corgi. But she has NEVER been so aggressive that the vets and techs had to ask me to dope my dog. For this.. she had to be. (I am NOT pleased with this at all). So I do as directed and go to work.

Coming home today I wait for a call. Three hours after I am home I get one and the vet tells me. "Good news. Bad news. She doesn't have cancer! (phew) and she doesn't have an active bleed in her bladder or anything. Bad news.. she had like 10-12 BLADDER STONES."

Me: "UH.. okay." (crap.. this means surgery. this means so many things and now... I'm literally freaking out). Vet: "But come in and pick her up. We can discuss what to do." My husband and I go in and have a two-hour talk with this vet. He's not a bad guy but he 'dumbs things down' and doesn't listen. Two of my BIGGEST pet peeves. Especially when I ask for less 'dumbing down' and I expect they take me seriously. This is also the first vet at this location to do this to me. SO.. stressed and hackles up as my doped up dog HIDES under my seat and acts weird we have to wait for him to tell me that Science Diet is the best thing for her to eat from here on out. We're hoping to 'dissolve the stones' with this diet change and if not, surgery. But basically the meds are useless, diet change is SD and well just should be done because it's such great food. (*insert fuming me here*) and we have me home. Freaking out.

I don't want to feed my dog science diet for the rest of her life. I've gone OUT OF MY WAY to make sure she is fed the highest quality food I can afford and properly taken care of. Science Diet is not on my list. The FIRST TWO INGREDIENTS... WATER AND CORN STARCH. I want to cry. I want to throw a fit and I want to slap the vet. I am so against this I get home sit down and start searching for better food that MIGHT do the same thing. But basically, I'm looking at a month of wet food only SCIENCE DIET for my baby and potentially life long feeding her this. OH and it might not even work. MAY still need surgery. I'm just... wrecked.

Added to this I got a pseudo 'promotion' at work after I put in my two week notice of availability change a week ago. -.- The promotion doesn't mean more money or hours. Its literally because my boss forgot one of our main cash office ladies is going to be on vacation and the lady chose to train me. So.. fun.

My current life list:

- Job Hunt (while still working worst hours of the day at short shifts 5 days a week until who knows when)
- my dog being on a diet that is tantamount to starving my baby..for 4-6 weeks to see if this 'helps' or if surgery is the only option
- OH and I wanted to restart my diet ... wow. Not likely to happen when I'm this stressed.
- wanting to sob uncontrollably for no reason ...

yea. Sorry. I had to vent. and I know; feeding her this isn't the end of the world. But when I say my furbabies are my babies, I mean it. I might eat horrible food for myself and my body and health but THEY get what is BEST for them because I am their provider and I want them healthy and happy. So this hurts me. Which I know is stupid. I know. I just.. hate it.

[scorpiomilo]

' hugs toxi ' its not stupid, at least not in my eyes, I don't even have an animal of my own atm, but the animals where I work? I treat them like their mine, and I take better care of them than I do myself , so I get it ' hugs more '

[aholland]

Well, i a relegated to a tablet for now. My laptop just died. I don't know why. Just did. I am just in a funk. It is one week before my birthday and everything keeps going wrong. I want to crawl in a freaking corner and cry.

Sorry guys. I just needed to get it out. This has just about broke my spirit. Been a rough day with kiddo and then this. I am just a little over emotional. Crawls into pillow fort and whimpers.

[Phoenix Stardancer]

*Cuddles aholland* I understand. I can offer kitten cuddles!

*grabs squirming tuxedo kitten Bran to hold out*

[aholland]

Kitties. Give his little nose all the kisses. Lol. I love kissing my 'kitten' (only called this as she is youngest. She is like 6 or 7 yrs old) on her face. Even when she gets mad at me and struglles.

[scorpiomilo]

' attempts to teleport ten kittens to aholland for snuggles ' I'm sorry hon hope you can get it sorted soon

[Sanguine_Dragon]

So, I've been battling my depression again. It's gotten to the point I barely want to do anything anymore. I've lost interest in just about everything, if I'm not sleeping, I'm waiting for Phoenix and Teskeria to leave so I can just sit here and sob. My anxiety has kicked back into full overdrive and I feel like it's all spiraling down. I have no clue what caused everything to go so wrong in such a short time span, but I've just not been the best recently. 

I managed to get hired at a call center, which I should be over the moon for, but I've found my anxiety peaking at the thought of the first day on the 5th. Granted this is the same company where I've had two nervous break downs, I'm trying so hard to pull it together before I go in. Recently, I've just felt like a flat out failure as a friend and husband and it's killing me. I have an appointment tomorrow to see someone, so I'm hoping all goes well with it, but it's just been really hard the last month. 

Even with all of this, I've just found out that my Elderly neighbor (who is like my second mother), has possibly broken her back when she fell two times in the span of thirty minutes. She finally went to the doctor at our (me and my other neighbor's) urging two days after the falls, and her doctor sent her to the ER. They ran tests, and when she didn't come home, I called the Hospital, and they routed me to her where I found out all of this. I sat for a moment and just sobbed, and then finally told the neighbors. We're a tight-knit community, and everyone has taken this pretty hard. 

Anyway, sorry to drone on. I just needed to talk a little.

*hugs for everyone in the thread*

Update: My elderly neighbor is home! However, she's going in for major surgery in two weeks due to having broken her back, tail, and pelvic bones. So, after much deciding, I'm not going to take the job that destroys my mental health. I will instead be taking care of her, as she is like my mother and I will not be able to focus on anything at all until she is well again. 

[Moophles]

-Sends loads of hugs to all-

I am really glad everyone is using this <3

Now I have my own bit of sad to post...

We had to put my husbands dog down today. He's a mess, I'm a mess, we miss her. Being dog-less is heartbreaking...

I don't have much to say on this,  just...wanted to say it somewhere...I miss her so much...

[Phoenix Stardancer]

Sends hugs and cuddles. Its always hard to lose a beloved family member