Pillow Fort

[PookaWitch]

A good place to rant, share sad stories and look for support. *nods*

Just remember try not to target other sphinx members. This is meant for support, not to cause more hurt for our little community. If I find that it needs it, I'll add in rules later on... but mostly it's just common sense.

[Operetta]

So... a bit of background I guess. I work in a financial aid office at a college. I process two of the state's largest programs single-handedly, which approximately five or six million dollars every year. I've been doing the one program for nearly six years, and I've been doing the other since it started almost five years ago. Needless to say, I'm the expert on the two programs at the college. However, the new program required a person to be a point of contact or face of the program. This person does not work in my department or with me directly in most cases. With the current pandemic going on, the state has had to make a TON of changes to the normal rules to accommodate what's going on. It has been a whirlwind of memos and meetings and Q&As. Meanwhile, my coworker has been pestering me with questions, which I can't answer because I simply don't have the information yet. They then sent out a mass wide email telling everyone how things were going to go, and then when they started getting questions back told them to talk to me. While all of this was happening, I was in the process of navigating all the changes to policy and exceptions, etc., making sure we would be in compliance and be able to cope with the overload of manual processing versus having the system do it. I finally came up with a good plan that involved asking IT to create a simple form, which would serve multiple needs, particularly for the summer. I receive an email today letting me know that a different form had already been created and that I would be notified when students complete it. This threw my entire processing plan out the window, and I've had to scramble to try ti figure out an entire different way of doing things than I was planning. It also actually means more work for the students. The best part was that the person said they would need to get my okay first, and they did ask. I said NO, but they had sent in the request to IT BEFORE asking me about it! This person is not mean-spirited and means well, but they are driving me batty right now. I specifically told them I would let them know as soon as I had any info for them, but they jumped the gun anyway.

Ah well... I've learned in the ten and a half years I've worked in financial aid to be very adaptable. I'm just irritated for the moment. It will pass.

[aholland]

So today ended up being one roller coaster of emotions. My daughter woke me crying her tummy hurt. This was like the second day. So I got worried. She can be over dramatic at time so I worried it was just for attention. But being the second time I asked her what was wrong. how it hurt and all the questions to get to the root. Well Hubby ended up calling in and we took her to the Urgent care to make sure it was nothing to truly worry on. Last year she had a cyst on an ovary and her mom has chronic Kidney stones. So I wanted to rule both out. So we get things checked and get her xrayed and all. Only to find out My step daughter is filled with poo. lol. She is constipated. So I jokingly with her tell her for once I can say she is full of poo and it being for real. So we get her some stuff and head home.

After being home like an hour we realize we can't find one of our cats. We spend over an hour looking. And I mean looking. I am starting to panic and yes cry. I mean it is my boy, my oreo, My poor gimper boy. And I can't find him anywhere. I am calling him, I am opening Gushie for him, I am offering Nip treats. Nothing. I am seriously upset at this point. Hubby even when to the neighbors to see if anyone had seen him.

Finally we settle down and pray he is in the apartment and we just missed him. I am talking to kids mom and hubby looks over to our TV stand thing, and there the butt-head was. He was laying on top of a Batman head basket on a shelf in a spot we never thing to look. Hubby pulled him out and I did the only thing I could. I severely Hugged him and kissed his annoyed face.

And between all that I am wiped. lol. Totally.

[hotaru13]

Just having a huge emotional wave constantly crashing down over me. I have an inflamed eye problem in my right eye. Its called iritis. My eye is blurry and I've been doing eye drops for 5 days now. There is an improvement, but this has caused me to lose a full day of work, on top of shorter hours already happening. The loss of hours is whats causing the emotions to hit hard

[PookaWitch]

Ugh, I nearly said this in the main thread and stopped myself. I typically don't share a lot about my upbringing with people since it's a downer and I"m the type who can rant on and on until it annoys the hell out of those listening.

What I had wanted to say (about tests talk) is that with tests my parents used the stick, not the carrot... practically literally. My father would do things when I was young like give me the strap for failing tests. If you don't know what the strap is, it's a leather belt folded over that you're whipped with. He would follow me around the house, cracking it, threatening me. If I hid he would drag me out and beat me even worse for it. My mother would just shame me, tell me off, tell me how she wished I wasn't her child because she thought I was stupid. >.< Not as bad as being hit, but, you know, she still has a way to really make it hurt.

It gave me, well, panic attacks with tests, especially math ones that I'm really bad at. I would often have to go home sick after I had a failed test returned because I nearly would vomit from the stress.Thankfully all of this mostly when my dad abandoned us when I was 12 (he abandoned our family to run off with an 18 year old). A whole new set of abuse started, but that's something totally different.

Anyhow, that's just the tip of the iceberg and I'm not going to get more into that at the moment. ^^;

Erg, now I've worked myself up into a bad mood. >.< I'm going to go play in the main thread again to lift my spirits.

[shlee]

Oh Pooka... I'm so sorry to hear that. I didn't have that issue with tests, but I know what it's like to be physically and emotionally abused by parents. There's a lot of that in my past too. Sending you all the love and warmth and chocolate you can handle. <3

[Angel_of_Music]

First of all, I'm sorry if I've seemed a downer lately in the heb thread. I'm trying not to be, but with the combination of being slammed at work practically everyday and having not one single 'thank you for being open during this' from any of our customers, having customers ordering huge orders that eat our service times, getting told by our district manager that we have to work on our service times and get them down, trying to restock stuff in front corner where I am taking orders, trying to get drinks an such all during crazy rush...is a little draining. I love my job, love the people I work with, love our customers, but seriously...I wish they'd give us a break and not slam us so much. Then we get the DoorDash people who can barely speak English placing an order and it's frustrating there as well because I have to ask the so many times to repeat something and we can't have the come to the first window because we can't touch the phones and, again, it eats our service times.

Then add to it that l had to order a wireless keyboard because I lost the use of 9 keys and currently don't have enough to get it looked at/replaced or even get a new laptop all together because of my mom practically cleaning me out last week thanks to a plumbing problem that needed to be looked at before it got worse. So I had to give her the cash to give her a buffer in her account because she had to pay up front. As it is with Windows 7 now no longer supported, I have to be extra careful with my laptop til I can get a new one. I can't simply do the upgrade because my laptop is almost 8 years old...so better to get a new laptop. However, I want another Toshiba, but I have to wait til can get up to Staples and see what they have let alone have the money.

So while I'm trying to be cheerful, the slamming days at work and things going wrong are just wearing on me. I'm trying though. I love you all though <3

[Sweetintoxikation]

*hugs to everyone*

I'm so sorry Retta for your struggles. Those are hard enough to deal with in calmer/normal times. Let alone during these times and with the insanity that is virtual meetings and planning and trying to set up remote. Etc. I hope that in the end it all works out better for you. Even if this new form is not the one that you'd built. Hopefully it helps and is at least effective. In the end. For your own sanity really.

Aholland, that really was a roller coaster. So glad it wasn't kidney stones or cysts. Those are aweful. Hopefully the meds she does have now help and she's not in pain. ALSO, I suppose bonus.. you now know a new hiding spot for him and he is home and safe. All good things. <3 Naughty cats.

Hotaru, I hope the meds are helping. I know fewer hours are stressful. I send to you all the virtual hugs I can bestow and I'm a hugger. So that is tons.

Pooka. It always makes me sad/mad to hear about those things. No matter WHEN they happened. I find it.. awful that people treat their loved ones in those ways. It has happened and still happens I know. But man.. just makes me want to .. oof scream and shake the people who do it. -.- Huge hugs for you! <3 And really, I feel you on the math angle. UGH math. Especially tests. q.q

Angel, I might not be a customer of your store. But I do understand what you mean. These are crazy days. And -I- want you to know that the customers might not say it but there are so many of them that are grateful for what you and your co-workers do. They just might not know that they should verbalize it when they see you all. <3 Love and hugs!


------------------------

I just have a small gripe. I really miss my mom. I haven't been able to see her/hug her/etc for months. Literally not since January. And I miss her. With mother's day coming up, my sister's birthday tonight, and my niece's birthdays next week I'm really missing my family. And not knowing when I can go see them breaks my heart. I went on Facetime today with the girls and chatted for like 30 minutes but it's not the same. And it broke me when Ally point blank said, "I know you said you'll visit after the pandemic but can't you just come down this weekend?"

I'm tearing up even thinking about it because I want to just go. I want to jump in my car and drive the 1.5 hours to their house and hug them all. But I can't. Not because I fear they're sick. But what if I am? What if I carry it to them and have nothing wrong but that leads to them getting it. I don't want to chance it. But I so so badly want to see everyone. I wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and be able to have this pandemic stop. I wish there was a way for everyone currently sick in the world right now from it to be made healthy and whole again. That there wasn't any more fear. Because it means I could go see them again this weekend. It means I could hug them again sooner and not later.

But I can't. I won't. Not until we're cleared in this state. I abide by the rules because I want to protect the ones I love. And that extends to you all. Wishing you all well and safe and as happy as you can be. Love and hugs for you all! <3

[kaats711]

Ugh Toxi I feel you. I was supposed to go see my parents in mid March, I hadn't been home in 1.5 years so I was so excited, but my mom had pneumonia earlier this year so they were comfortable with me coming since I would have to fly and go through airports. I'm so glad they came out in October, but it's not the same as going to visit them. I have keep trying to push it out of my mind because it's super depressing to think about. My mom has continued to have some sort of lung infection she can't kick and is struggling to get treatment for because of COVID, but my parents have been social distancing champions so I'm happy they are safe. My mom even got a COVID test because of her cough even though my parents haven't left the house since early March.

I've been trying to keep upbeat about rescheduling my wedding, but it's looking more and more like my parents can't come due to my mom's continued lung infection. We've moved the big party till next year but are doing something small at the courthouse this year that I would love my parents to be at. But, it's just too dangerous right now for her to travel, even driving with the camper. It sucks and I am hiding in the very fragile pillow fort of my emotions. [/rant]

[springacres]

I have a small gripe too. My sister is a cardiac anesthesiologist, recently treated her first COVID case, and NOW we're driving the 2 hour round trip (in-state) to see her because "she's still symptom free and this might be the last chance we have to see her alive." Ugh, thanks, mom, that really helps my anxiety... NOT. I love my parents, and I get that they really miss being able to see her and her family in person (especially my 4 1/2 month old niece), but like... could you guys not do this while our state is still seeing an increase in the number of COVID cases?

[Angel_of_Music]

*falls over and growls* Why? JUST FLIPPING WHY?!?!? I'm getting so tired of this crap!!! Summer of 2018 our mower was starting to not hold a charge. No matter how long I left it plugged in for, you'd only get maybe five minutes out of it before it decided to crap out, have to plug it in again and charge it again and again get only five minutes out of it. I told this to mom and she said 'oh it'll be fine' and 'I don't have the money to do anything right now'. BULL!!! Every time she DID have the money for it to get a new one on sale, and had NO bills to pay...what did she do? She spent the money on something else instead of an on sale mower!! So last year it got worse! The one day she 'mowed' the back yard, I had come home and saw what she was doing. She came and said 'I was just out there for 30 minutes and got the yard mowed'. You what mom? The yard looked like crap!! It looked as if she had done NOTHING AT ALL to it!!! So the next day was a day she worked and I didn't, so I spent most of the day mowing it in sections so that it actually WAS mowed! Now this year? Yea, same game. I've managed to get the front done once. The back...I went to do the back today, had the mower plugged in for 3 hours and went to mow. I got four minutes out of it and then it said 'nope! I'm done!' and crapped out.

I went to plug it...and the charger wouldn't work!!! I tried all four outlets in the kitchen! I tried plugging in an extension cord AND a surge protector. I even unplugged it from the mower and plugged it back in. I tried everything for 20 minutes! Mom came out and tried the same dang things I was doing going 'what if you try this?' 'I tried that mom' 'well what if you try this?' 'I tried that too mom'. She then asked about our neighbor and I said 'no, her mower's different and she had a different charger, it won't work'. She then said 'just go check anyway'. Yea, waste of time because I KNEW our neighbor's mower is a different brand and different charger!! So I went over anyway and lo and behold I was right! She then said 'maybe the battery's dead' and I said 'I've been telling that to mom since last year' and she went 'ooooooh'. Yea. So I came back over and as I'm walking in the door I'm going 'yea, it's as I said, her charger isn't the same' and mom went 'she has a black and decker too though.' and I said 'no, it's a kobalt, her's is one where she plugs the battery into a docking charger much like the portable fans we have' and she went 'oh...' so she went out and once again, tried the same things I had. What does she do? Has me take the rotary mower and do it. Yea, great, the good for nothing, do a crappy job, have to run over the same spot at least a dozen times before it looks good, rotary mower. I was out there for forty minutes going over the back yard to make it look decent, cursing the entire time because the stupid thing would lock up on me several times and I'd nearly fall over when it all of a sudden locked up. I'm so freaking done with lawn mowing and it's not even June yet! If I had the money right now, I'd just go on to Home Depot's site and order a new mower and have it delivered to the house, but thanks to mom borrowing from me, I don't have enough and now with my next pay checks, I have not spend anything so I can build up my wonderful buffer again! UGH!!!

[melodysangel]

Im just going to sit down and plop this here. Im not looking for pity but I do need to just let it all out--for my own mental stability. Or whats left.

Im sorry if im scatterbrained. Im sorry if I unintentionally make people feel uncomfortable. *I* cant see it and tend to write about what is happening in the now, and I honestly don't remember at that moment if ive repeated it elsewhere, even if its clear as day to everyone else..though I do try to be mindful and to not get into details. With everything around us effecting everyone happening, it compounds what was underlining before. I get worried or concerned. so..sometimes..alot more often now then before, I might be a broken record. It might not be an excuse, but im forcing myself to challenge it head on right now by posting this. Like a CBT exposure.

Actualy..this IS a CBT exposure...now that I think about it. That's a good thing.

Im...much more stressed out now then before. Everything is falling around me and im the one expected to keep it all together. To be that light in the dark. That im somehow immune and can take a beating mentally and be ok in the end.

It doesn't work that way. Im not a superhero. Im human--with all of the human imperfections. Im emotionally sensitive. THE mother hen. I might look ok on the outside but I only fight to make sure everyone around me is stable. And even now I cant do it anymore.

I cant take the extreme far right views that I constantly get bashed with by a family member every day. I respect his opinion, and he has the right to one. But that curtesy is not received on the other end.
I cant take the pressure of not knowing what is happening with the outside world. That im the one that is on the head of a pin trying to keep my balance with keeping everything wedding in check. I don't even KNOW if it will be safe to do anything until theres a vaccine--and they are now saying it might not even end..that it might just come back each year like the flu.
I cant take seeing the degeneration of health from my loved ones--and not knowing when any of them can actually go see a doctor or specialist safely without having to worry about catching covid at the same time.
I cant take the fear of the possibility of my uncles SO possibly HAVING covid due to what she does as a front line worker. Her chances of surviving the thing are grim if she gets it because she has major underlining issues with her lung (yes, singular) and heart.
I cant take the thought of a friend of mine having to open up her tiny artisan shop just to be at greater risk of getting sick.

I cant find a safe haven. To find a spot to cry in the corner. To stand there and be beat down without falling. to be responsible for everyone else.

Im regressing. I cant sleep due to the above as well as some personal mental and physical disabilities. Im unable to physically do some of the things that would help cope. While they are open, im terrified of going to a garden nursery to find zen and browse the plants. To go to the park and collect my thoughts on the swing.

And whatever I do try to do, I just mess up or unintentionally hurt someone else.


So what can I do? Im broken but I still have to try to look up at the sun. To find music or to not be embarrassed of finding child cartoons if they help.

To try to find the positive side of the coin. Can I even still be myself and make sure others are ok? Or am I going to end up hurting them, too?


*takes a deep breathe*

Everyone..is impacted by this stupid virus. I got hit hard because I have physical and mental underlying issues that were there before it popped its ugly head. But everyone is feeling some level of stress or difficulty to cope. The worry about the future..what 'normal' is. If they will have a job in the end. Having to worry about their parents or grandparents (or kids) and not being able to be there to help them.

..and the small amount of morons that....take all of the toilet paper for themselves xD


But a new day will come, right?

[Minkey55]

Monday was a very sad day for all of us at work we had 4 people pass away. Not due to corvid, but 4 all on the same day kind of took it all out of us.
This might seem like not a big thing but i work in a supermarket. We might lose 1-2 people a year if that.
All 4 i have worked with closely for the past 20 years i have been working in the store.

Vicky, Carol, Moe and Sarah.

Vicky and Moe had left the business due to Cancer 5 years ago and they both passed on Sunday night.
It was expected and both had been in decline since December. Moe had been given 12-18 months and lived for 5 years.

Sarah was the oldest lady and she trained me in the role i do now, She passed in her sleep was in her 90's.

But the one that is really hitting me is Carol. She took leave last year after a mini-stroke.
She moved down south for better weather and we all missed her. But she is also my best friends mom who i work with.
My friend had a holiday last week and would have been going to see her mom but that was planned before we were in lockdown.
So not only has she lost her mom but it would have been her last time to see her.

She phoned me at 6 in the morning crying down the phone not knowing what she should do. was it her fault for not going to see her ect.
I calmed her down over the phone and she's texted me later saying she feels a bit better after talking it all out.
It was sudden and not expected, they are still waiting on med reports.

All i want to do is go and hug my mom but she is in full lockdown due to breathing difficulties and with my job, i want to be nowhere near her to keep her safe.

The first 3 were older ladies and we were bracing for their passing, morbid i know but with age and illness, you can sort of mentally prepare yourself when they slip away.
But carol was younger than my mom and apart from the mini-stroke was fit and healthy, She still went on long runs with her dogs.

I've face-timed my mom and hugged my partner more to try and bring my spirits up for the moment, but i still want a mom hug.
Thanks for listening to the rambling post i just needed to get it out of my mind.

[Angel_of_Music]

Long day was long. Not only was it warm today, but it seemed like everyone was coming out and slamming us today to make up for not coming out yesterday. Yesterday was nice and calm until it got towards the evening rush. I had been asked to stay an extra hour yesterday, so instead of leaving at 4 yesterday afternoon, I left at 5. Then when I got home, I had to look up the model of lawn mower we have so mom could look it up and find a replacement battery. Well I found the model after searching through the manual 3 times. Well turns out the mower we have isn't made anymore, so.....new mower is in order. So after I texted the model number to mom, I got the dogs out and proceeded to mow the lawn with the rotary mower we have. Even though the back yard was shaded and a little cooler, it was still a pain to mow and it still looks like a jungle, but it's not as bad. I had told mom about the battery going bad LAST YEAR and she said 'I don't have the money to do anything or even get a new mower!'. Really!? Then what am I earning at work? Peanuts? I could have used my money to buy a new mower! I got one charge out of the mower this season, but then it just died. I plug it in and it doesn't charge, therefore...dead mower is dead. After using the rotary mower yesterday I was exhausted. Surprised I didn't fall asleep on the catch last night.

Then today yea...everyone came out today and slammed us. Thankfully it was a 'calm' slamming, but still slammed. Then after 3, there was an accident on route 100. We in drive thru had clear view of what was going on and we think a pedestrian got hit because at one point, we saw someone and a police officer kneeling down with their heads turned. Clear indication someone got hit. Don't know much after that, but it was going on for a good 20 minutes. The first aid side of me was practically screaming 'GO HELP!!!' but I had to stay where I was because we were getting orders. Then at 4, Rachelle and Kylee left as they were done, so that left just me, David, and Lillianna(a new hire). Marquise and Quadrira were LATE. So if I had left, that would have left David and Lillianna there by themselves and with it getting into the evening rush, that wouldn't have been fair. So without being asked to, I stayed. Once Marquise and Michael got there and it was clear, David said I could go and thanked me for staying late. I clocked out and got the heck outta Dodge and got home. Once again...so tired *flops*

[Angel_of_Music]

Why? Just....just FREAKING WHY?!?!? Why is it that whenever my mom seems to get ahead or find something good, something has to come along and kick her down into that gutter again?!?! For the passed two and a half months, mom has been looking for a car because back in March, her Envoy died and to get a whole new transmission for it would have been money she doesn't have. So she sold it for parts. A friend of ours that we've known for years from the dog show world, has been letting mom use this 22 year old Mercury Mountaineer. Yea, it's great for some things, but it's too small to pack the dogs in and the AC isn't working right. She has been on the hunt for a car ever since then only to have....four yanked out from under her nose. Now...a few days ago she found a Chevy Tahoe, something that has plenty of room for us and the dogs. Monday morning I got a text from mom saying to check my email. So I did and saw the message she had gotten from the person selling said Tahoe. So I texted mom back with 'looks good'. She then sent me another text of 'omg, check your email, omg!!!'. So I did and there were pictures of the Tahoe inside and out and even under the hood. Apparently the seller was wanting it gone by June 15th because the seller and their medical team were going to be deployed overseas for a year, they are with the military. Okay cool. So mom went through everything, eBay confirmed they'd gotten the codes for the cards. Mom had been in contact with the person the entire time. Delivery was set for today and it never showed up, so mom went on the hunt and she's now thinking she either got scammed or there was a one day shipping delay. I SERIOUSLY HOPE this isn't a scam because if it is...she's screwed and I don't have enough on my card to really help her out. I mean...she has papers and all saying things were confirmed, there is a place that deals with delivering from Military. I'm so freaking worried over this that I could barely eat my dinner and it just didn't feel good to eat. I'd like to find the person behind the life button and smack them so they stop hitting the 'have something else mess up' button on mom's life. It's not fair. I also seriously hope this vehicle shows up tomorrow because if it doesn't...Mom's going on a hunt to track down what's going on and getting her money back.